The Music Series
by fraiser-jackson
Summary: Jack and Irina try to work through their differences. I'm bad at summarizing, just read and review.
1. Cry Me A River

Title: Cry Me a River  
  
Author: Amanda, nihongogirl2003.whichever  
  
Rating: This chapter is probably more a PG than PG-13, but to be safe.  
  
Characters: Jack and Irina, little bit of S/V later on  
  
Disclaimers: They aren't mine, I just want to play with them for a while. A/N: This is my first ever Alias fic and people liked it so much it became a series. I hope you enjoy. This came to me while listening to Justin Timberlake; I don't really know why, but once I got the idea, it wouldn't leave me alone. All the parts in this series will have songs in the beginning. First is Cry Me a River, by Justin Timberlake, then Criminal and Shadowboxer, both by Fiona Apple. Last is Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps, sung by Doris Day. Please read and review.  
  
You told me you loved me Why did you leave me, all alone? Now you tell me you need me When you call me on the phone Girl I refuse, you must have me confused With some other guy Bridges were burned Now its your turn to cry Cry me a river  
  
Irina Derevko stood on the roof of her prison, guards surrounding her on every side. It was so nice to be able to go outside and get fresh air. She would have to thank her daughter again.  
  
She heard something behind her and turned to face her husband. "Jack," she said with a slight smile. It had taken time, but he was finally starting to trust that she wasn't there to hurt him or Sydney again.  
  
"Irina." He said her name with no emotion, no sign of what he was about to do. "I have, unfortunately for me, been forced to speak with Dr. Barnett since you've been back. She informed me that I would make no "progress," as she called it, without talking to you about what happened first. As you well know, I hate rehashing things that have happened in the past. But, in order to get away from Barnett, I have no choice but to do this now."  
  
"Okay." She was a little bit scared of where this conversation would take them. She knew she had always loved Jack and their little girl, that it killed her when she was forced to leave then, but he didn't. And he would probably never believe her, no matter how hard she tried to make him.  
  
"So," he began. "As Laura Bristow, you loved me and our daughter."  
  
"Yes." She didn't have the nerve to tell him that it wasn't only Laura who loved him; it was Irina Derevko as well.  
  
"But in reality, you were sent here by the KGB to trick me into loving you so you could gain information on the CIA." His voice was cold, with no emotion at all.  
  
"Yes." She had been dreading this conversation since well before she turned herself in. She was mildly surprised that it had taken him this long to find the courage to bring it up. "It started out that way. I was to marry you so I had access to information that would be very useful to the KGB. Somewhere, though, things began to change."  
  
"What do you mean, change?"  
  
"I started to become Laura. I wanted to be a good wife, with no secrets to hide. I wanted you to know the truth. I didn't want to hurt you or Sydney. Being a spy became the last thing I wanted to do."  
  
"And yet you continued to do it," he said, a hint of sadness in his voice. "What was stopping you?"  
  
"In a way, my family. The KGB knew something was changing. I started to report to them less and less. I refused to go searching for things that you wouldn't willingly tell me. Once they realized they were losing their hold on me, they decided to tighten their grip harder than before. They threatened you and Sydney. Told me I'd never see either of you again if I didn't comply with their wishes. I couldn't.I wouldn't let them hurt you. I had no other choice but to do what they wanted of me."  
  
"I seem to remember a time when you asked less about work and more about me and Sydney."  
  
"Yes. That was me being stupid, trying to get away from the life that I once knew. I was trying to get rid of Irina Derevko and become the Laura Bristow that you loved." She was on the verge of tears, but she refused to let then fall in front of Jack.  
  
"So you began to spy again. What I don't understand, Irina, is why you wanted to become the Laura I loved. So, please, do tell." His voice was back to the cold, calculating tone that it had been before.  
  
"Because, Jack, you idiot..I had fallen in love with you. It was me, terrible Irina Derevko, that was in love with you. There was no loving Laura Bristow during our marriage. It was me. I had done what I never thought was possible. I had fallen in love. I had a loving husband and a beautiful little girl. I never wanted to leave you, but the KGB gave me no choice." She turned and started to walk away, tears beginning to fall.  
  
Jack followed her and gently grabbed her arm. "Look at me," he said. His voice was a little shaky. He had to pause to steady it. "If you had really loved me, you would have done whatever you could to stay with me and our daughter."  
  
She looked at him, a little surprised. It was the first time he had ever referred to Sydney as their daughter. "Don't you understand? There was nothing I could do. I tried everything. Anything I could have done would have resulted in you and Sydney being killed. I couldn't handle that.not after it took me so long to realize that the two of you were all I had ever wanted from life. I had to leave." She removed her arm from his grasp and began to walk away again. She couldn't handle this conversation anymore. She was close to a breaking point, and she was pretty sure she didn't want to reach it on the roof of a building surrounded by armed guards and her husband.  
  
"If you still hate me so much Jack, why haven't you pushed for an annulment? We are still married." She decided she had to change the topic.  
  
"I don't really know why." He noticed the topic change and just let it go. He was sure he didn't want to continue the other conversation either. "Maybe it's because I don't hate you as much as I let on."  
  
Irina turned and stared at him. "What did you say?"  
  
"You heard me."  
  
"No, I didn't."  
  
"I said, maybe I don't hate you as much as I let on." He was not enjoying this conversation at all any more.  
  
"What do you mean by that?" She wiped the tears off her cheek and stepped closer to him, waiting for him to answer her.  
  
"I. I don't have time for this conversation. I have to be at SD-6 for a meeting." With that, he walked away leaving Irina alone on the roof. Well, alone plus a couple agents.  
  
She had no idea what had just happened. Jack was just about to open up to her and then.he was gone. He had just left. Her tears began to come faster and more abundantly. She turned to the guard closest to her. "I'm ready to go back to my cell now."  
  
She was led back to her cell where she laid on her bed and cried herself to sleep.  
  
It was a few days later. Sydney had gone an SD-6 mission and it was a success, for the CIA at least. The CIA had gotten the intel that Sloane had wanted and it was a great benefit to them. She was very proud of her only daughter.  
  
Irina had been visited by Sydney and even Agent Vaughn, but not the person she really wanted to see. She had been waiting for him to come so they could finish their conversation. Four days and he still hadn't come. She guessed that he wouldn't come to see her unless he had official business so he wouldn't have to have that conversation with her.  
  
She was sitting on the floor, eyes closed when she heard the buzzer on the gate. She stayed sitting and kept her eyes closed, waiting for the person to talk.  
  
"Irina."  
  
He had finally come. Unfortunately for her, he probably wouldn't stay long. She opened her eyes and stood. He had grabbed the chair and was sitting in front of the glass, waiting for her to acknowledge him.  
  
"What do you want, Jack? I'm really not in the mood for you to start a conversation and then leave right in the middle of it when we should be hashing certain things out." She stood across from him, arms crossed, ready to fight if necessary.  
  
"I am here because I was told by Dr. Barnett that I had to be. She is on her way down and we are going to have a 'counseling session' as she called it. I can assure you that I am in no way here for my own reasons." He stared at her standing above him, no real expression on his face. "I told her about our last conversation and she and Kendall insisted that she be present the next time we talked. I told her there would be no next time and she informed me that there would be as many 'next times' as needed to resolve this."  
  
"This being what? What exactly is going on here, Jack? I told you that I no longer wanted to be a spy, that I wanted to stay with you and our daughter." Jack flinched at the words 'our daughter' but said nothing. Irina continued, "I don't know what's going on inside that head of yours, but I know I don't need a shrink."  
  
Jack scoffed. Irina was about to continue but the gate buzzed again and Dr. Barnett walked in. She walked up to where Jack was sitting and looked down at him, smiling. She turned to the glass, the smile fading as she locked eyes with Irina.  
  
"Ms. Derevko."  
  
"Dr. Barnett." Her voice was dripping with disdain. She was already not looking forward to having this conversation, let alone with her there to hear every word that was being said.  
  
Barnett pulled another chair up and set it next to Jack's. "We are here to try and find some way for you two to work together. It will be beneficial to all involved if you can actually stand to be in a room together."  
  
Jack and Irina looked at each other, neither one amused. "I'm sorry Dr. Barnett, but I'm not quite sure how my relationship with this woman has anything to do with the CIA," Jack stated.  
  
"Agent Bristow, I must disagree. You went to extreme measures to make it look like this woman had set up her own daughter, to make it look like she wanted to kill her daughter. As a result, Ms. Derevko here was sentenced to death. I'm sure you can see why the CIA would think it necessary to keep her alive. She can be very helpful to us."  
  
"Umm.excuse me.could you stop talking about me like I'm not two feet away from you, please?" Irina asked. She was already annoyed by this woman and she had barely spent 5 minutes with her. How could Jack stand to talk to this woman every week, she wondered.  
  
"I'm sorry," Barnett replied, turning towards the glass. "I am here to try and forge a working relationship between the two of you. You don't have to become best friends, but Devlin, Kendall and the rest of the CIA would greatly appreciate it if you could at least talk civilly to each other. This is in case you, Ms. Derevko, are required for another CIA mission to help bring down SD-6."  
  
"There is no way in hell she is ever leaving this cell again, Dr. Barnett." He had nearly yelled, but was able to contain himself, somewhat.  
  
"That is not up to me, Agent Bristow. Now, we won't actually get into anything today. That will have to wait until tomorrow. I just wanted you both to be aware of what was going to happen. If you'll excuse me, I have an appointment." She put her chair back and walked to the gate, thinking about how tomorrow would be a very interesting day.  
  
After Barnett left, Irina went back to sitting on the floor with her eyes closed. She was expecting Jack to leave any minute, but for some reason she had yet to hear the gate buzz for a second time. "I'm sorry we weren't able to finish our earlier conversation. The one we started on the roof. I really would have liked to finish what we started." After she realized what she had said, she didn't know whether she was referring to the conversation or their marriage. It easily could have been either. She stood up and walked toward the glass, stopping before she reached it, not wanting to be too close to him for some reason.  
  
"Yes. I had a meeting with Sloane that couldn't be missed." He was still calm and collected. "Look, I know that neither one of us wants Barnett down here asking questions. So, why don't we just make this easier on both of us and agree to some sort of truce?"  
  
"A truce? I never thought I would see Jack Bristow of all people declare he wants a truce. Are you sick?"  
  
"Very funny. I think we should agree, for Sydney's or whoever's sake, to work together and not bait each other all the time. It would calm Kendall down and get Barnett off our backs. What do you say?"  
  
"Now I know there is something wrong with you. The Jack I knew would never want to compromise, especially with someone that he sees as extremely dangerous." He started to protest, but she cut him off. "And I know that is what you see me as, so there is no point in trying to deny it. So tell me, what exactly are you so desperately trying to hide?"  
  
Jack stared at her. She had seen right through him.Laura had always been able to do that. "I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"Oh come on, Jack. You are hiding something. You came up to that roof the other day for a reason, one that wasn't just to please Dr. Barnett." She said the name with some disgust in her voice. "We were starting to get there but then you abruptly left. I hit a nerve when I told you I wanted to be Laura, that I no longer wanted be a spy, so you left. You didn't want to get in over your head. I can understand that, but sooner or later, you're going to have to deal with it. And from your actions so far, I can tell you'd like it to be sooner and without the interruption of some CIA shrink." She sat down, waiting for him to respond.  
  
"You're right. I left because I didn't want to hear what you had to say anymore. I couldn't listen to you lie to me over and over again. I couldn't bear it anymore. I have been lied to by you too many times." His voice was steadily growing with every word he said.  
  
She was hurt by his words. Every word of what she had said was true. She did want to become the woman he loved. She still did, even after all these years. "I know you don't trust me Jack, but everything I said up on the roof is true. So what are you really hiding? I know you Jack. I can read you like an open book. I."  
  
He stood, a little too forcefully, and the chair was knocked over. "You don't know me!" he yelled. "I am not the same man I was before and that is because of you. This person you see before you right now is only the remnants of what Jack Bristow used to be! I broke when you left me. I had to spend six months in solitary, away from my daughter whose mother had just 'died.' Six months I was away from her. She thought her father had left her too and that is because of you." He had somewhat calmed down, but he was not quite completely rational yet.  
  
Irina stepped closer to the glass, her eyes narrowing. "How do you think I felt? I had to leave the family, the home that I loved. I didn't get to say good-bye, I didn't get to explain to my husband or daughter why I had to leave them." She was yelling, but she didn't care. "It killed me to get in that car that night, knowing I would never see either of you again, knowing that Sydney would have to grow up without a mother. I knew my leaving would kill you and you want to know how I knew that? I felt the exact same way!" Tears were starting to flow and she didn't want Jack to see so she turned away from him. She continued talking, only this time in a whisper. He had to lean against the glass to hear her.  
  
"I loved you, Jack. Hell, I still do even after all this time. I love you." It seemed that every word she spoke was more and more quiet. Her tears were still coming, but she didn't care anymore. She turned around, needing to see his face, his reaction.  
  
At first, he did nothing. Then he began to walk away from the glass. "I'm through with this, Irina. I can't take it anymore. I'm done. I'm done wondering what could have been, what it would have been like for Sydney had you been there. But above all, I'm done feeling hurt and I'm done crying over you." He started toward the gate.  
  
"Jack! Come back here.this is not finished," she begged. He paid no attention to her.  
  
"Now it's your turn to cry." The buzzer sounded, the gate lifted and he was gone.  
  
"Don't be so quick to walk away, Jack." Irina pounded on the glass, yelling as loud as she could. It didn't help; he was still gone, probably never to return willingly.  
  
"Why doesn't he understand," she whispered to herself, tears streaming down her cheeks, "that I already have."  
  
She lay down on her bed and cried herself to sleep for the second time that week. 


	2. Criminal

Title: Criminal  
  
Author: Amanda, nihongogirl2003.whichever  
  
Rating: This chapter is probably more a PG than PG-13. There is one little swear word.  
  
Characters: Jack and Irina, little bit of S/V later on  
  
Disclaimers: They aren't mine, I just want to play with them for a while.  
  
A/N: This is my first ever Alias fic and people liked it so much it became a series. I hope you enjoy. All the part in this series will have songs in the beginning. First was Cry Me a River, by Justin Timberlake, this one is Criminal and next is Shadowboxer, both by Fiona Apple. Last is Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps, sung by Doris Day. Please read and review.  
  
  
  
I've been a bad bad girl I've been careless with a delicate man And it's a sad sad world When a girl will break a boy Just because she can Don't you tell me to deny it I've done wrong and I want to Suffer for my sins I've come to you cause I need Guidance to be true And I just don't know where I can begin  
  
What I need is a good defense 'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal And I need to be redeemed To the one I've sinned against Because he's all I ever knew of love  
  
Heaven help me for the way I am Save me from these evil deeds Before I get them done I know tomorrow brings the consequence At hand But I keep livin' this day like The next will never come  
  
Oh help me but don't tell me To deny it I've got to cleanse myself Of all these lies till I'm good Enough for him I've got a lot to lose and I'm Bettin' high So I'm beggin' you before it ends Just tell me where to begin  
  
Irina sat on her bed, waiting for the gate to buzz. Today was the day that Jack, Dr. Barnett and her would talk. It was only yesterday that he had walked away from her after she admitted that she was still in love with him. He had left, saying he was tired of hearing her lies, that it was her turn to cry over him instead of the other way around. She had had no visitors yet today and she was getting lonely, even more so than she was normally from sitting in a drab cell for 23 hours and 45 minutes.  
  
As she was musing on the fact that she was really looking forward to seeing Jack, even if he hated her, she heard the buzzer. She walked to the glass, looking for him. He wasn't there, it was only Barnett. "Where is Jack?" she asked, trying not to sound to disappointed that he wasn't there.  
  
"Agent Bristow was called away on a sudden mission for SD-6. So, it's just you and me, Ms. Derevko."  
  
Great, Irina thought. Just great. Now what?  
  
Barnett grabbed the chair, placed it in front of the glass and sat down. "I have permission to continue this without Agent Bristow but if you are uncomfortable with that or feel it necessary that he be here, we can wait for him to get back before we start this."  
  
"I see no problem in doing this without him." In fact, she did, but she wouldn't let Barnett know that. She would suffer through this awful 'therapy session.'  
  
"Ok, great. I would like to start by talking about your early relationship with Agent Bristow. How did you meet?"  
  
Irina thought about this for a second. She could answer the question with what she knew Barnett wanted to hear or she could give her the runaround. Hmm.the runaround could be fun for awhile, she thought. "I met him because it was my assignment. I had no real choice in the matter, Dr. Barnett."  
  
"I don't believe that was the question, Ms. Derevko. I asked how you met, not why you met. If you're going to be difficult, we can just wait until Jack returns from his assignment."  
  
Difficult? Jack? Since when did she get to call him by his first name? And since when was she being difficult? Irina was pondering this as Barnett was waiting for her to answer.  
  
"Ms. Derevko, would you like to continue this and answer the questions I ask you or wait until we can do this with the two of you?"  
  
Barnett was getting annoyed and she could tell. "This should be interesting," Irina muttered under her breath.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"I said, I will answer your questions, Dr. Barnett, so start asking."  
  
"I'll ask again then. How did you and Jack meet?"  
  
Barnett saying Jack was really getting on her nerves, but she let it go. She thought about when she first met him. "I was told that Jack liked to frequent a restaurant called The Bronze on the weekends when he wasn't on assignment. So I started to go every weekend, just to watch him. It was a couple of weeks after that when I actually talked to him."  
  
"And how did you start talking?" Barnett asked.  
  
"I bought him a glass of whatever he was drinking; I don't remember what it was. I told the waiter to tell him it was from me. After Jack got it, he came over and sat at my table and we talked. We talked until the place closed at 2. I sent him the drink at 10."  
  
"What did you think of Agent Bristow when you actually did talk to him, besides that he was just your assignment?"  
  
Irina thought about that for a minute or two, then began. "I thought he was a nice man, he seemed very kind. He was very intelligent. I could tell that he wasn't exactly sure why I was talking to him; it was like he thought he wasn't good enough for me." But it was the other way around, she thought.  
  
"Do you remember what you talked about for four hours?" Barnett was becoming interested in this conversation; she thought she might be able to help Jack and Irina work through their problems. But first, she had to discover exactly what those problems were.  
  
"Anything and everything. Sports, literature, politics, music, movies, television. We really hit it off when we talked about books. Jack and I both love to read. That was part of the reason why my 'job' was literature professor. When the restaurant closed, we just walked around the city together, talking. I didn't get home until 4, if I remember correctly. As he walked my to my door, we made plans to meet at the Bronze the next Saturday at 8 for dinner."  
  
"Did you consider the evening to be a success, as an agent of the KGB?"  
  
Irina smiled slightly before answering. "It wasn't like he told me every government secret he ever knew in the 6 hours I'd known him, but I did get acquainted with him and made plans to talk to him again. I guess you could call that successful."  
  
"Okay, so you made plans to have dinner." Barnett sounded a little jealous. "What happened at dinner?"  
  
"Jack was the perfect gentleman. He pulled my chair out for me, stood up when I got up; he had perfect manners. It seemed to me that he was trying to show that he could be good enough for me if he really wanted to be. After dinner he asked me to dance and I accepted. He took my hand and led me to the dance floor." She could still remember how it felt when he took her hand. It was the first time they had really touched and it had been burned into her memory.  
  
Barnett watched Irina as she was recalling all of this. Derevko had a small smile playing across her lips. She looked completely lost in thought and memory. Barnett just had to interrupt her. "What happened next?"  
  
Irina sighed. She was having fun remembering and didn't want to be bothered. "We danced and then he brought me home. We decided to have dinner again in two weeks, because he would be out of town the next week. Then he kissed me on the cheek and left." She could almost feel Jack's arms around her again, even after all these years. "When I got in the door, I contacted Cuvee at the KGB and told him everything was going as planned. Then I went to bed."  
  
"Were you concerned about how this would affect Jack if he found out the truth?"  
  
"Of course not. Well, not yet anyway. At the beginning this was just an assignment that I had to complete for the good of my country." She knew what Barnett's next question would be, so she prepared herself to answer.  
  
"And at the end of your 'assignment'?" This is where the problems start, Barnett thought.  
  
"I knew it would crush him, but there was nothing I could do. If I had stayed like I'd wanted to, the KGB would have killed us all."  
  
"You wanted to stay?" Here we go.let the healing begin, she thought smugly.  
  
"Yes. But this is nothing that Jack doesn't already know, so how do you fit into all of this?" She really didn't want to get into that with Barnett. She didn't need her psychobabble.  
  
"Alright, I'll stay away from the fact that you wanted to stay and go instead into what made you want to stay. I thought it had been only a mission for you, nothing more." Barnett smiled, satisfied with herself.  
  
Tricky bitch, Irina thought. She just won't let it go, will she? I guess I'll tell her what she wants to hear. "It was at first, but then I really got to know Jack and it became more personal that it should have. That was my fault and I admit it. When we were married, I waited for him to come from work so I could see him, not ask him about what went on that day at the CIA. When Sydney was born, it became more and more difficult to think about leaving them."  
  
"So in the six years that Sydney was around, you decided you wanted to stay?"  
  
"No. Sydney being born only made me want to stay more. I had decided I wanted to stay before she born."  
  
"What was it that really made you want to stay? Was it something Jack did?"  
  
Irina got a far off look in her eyes again. "He took me out for our anniversary. That night was the first time I admitted to myself that I actually did love him. Then I became pregnant. Seeing Jack with Sydney when she was a baby broke my heart. I knew I was going to have to leave them."  
  
"How did you feel when you had to leave?"  
  
"I felt like I was betraying my daughter and the only man I have ever loved," Irina snapped. She was getting tired of this 'therapy' and it was showing.  
  
Barnett picked up on that. "I think that we're done for today. I'll reschedule with Agent Bristow and I'll be back to talk to you both."  
  
"Can't wait." Barnett left and Irina was left alone.  
  
What I need is a good defense 'Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal And I need to be redeemed To the one I've sinned against Because he's all I ever knew of love  
  
Let me know the way Before there's hell to pay Give me room to lay the law and let me go I've got to make a play To make my lover stay So what would an angel say The devil wants to know  
  
What I need is a good defense 'Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal And I need to be redeemed To the one I've sinned against Because he's all I ever knew of love  
  
What I need is a good defense 'Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal And I need to be redeemed To the one I've sinned against  
  
Because he's all I ever knew of love 


	3. Shadowboxer

Title: Shadowboxer  
  
Author: Amanda, nihongogirl2003.whichever  
  
Rating: This chapter is probably more a PG than PG-13, but to be safe.  
  
Characters: Jack and Irina, little bit of S/V later on  
  
Disclaimers: They aren't mine, I just want to play with them for a while.  
  
A/N: This is my first ever Alias fic and people liked it so much it became a series. I hope you enjoy. This came to me while listening to Justin Timberlake; I don't really know why, but once I got the idea, it wouldn't leave me alone. All the part in this series will have songs in the beginning. First was Cry Me a River, by Justin Timberlake, then Criminal and now Shadowboxer, both by Fiona Apple. Last is Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps, sung by Doris Day. Please read and review.  
  
  
  
Once my lover, now my friend What a cruel thing to pretend What a cunning way to condescend Once my lover, and now my friend Oh, you creep up like the clouds And you set my soul at ease Then you let your love abound And you bring me to my knees  
  
Oh, it's evil babe, the way you let your Grace enrapture me When well you know I'd be insane To ever let that dirty game recapture me  
  
You made me a shadowboxer, baby I wanna be ready for what you do I been swinging all around me 'Cause I don't know when you're gonna make your move  
  
Jack Bristow sat on a plane, on his way to France to meet with one of SD- 6's contacts. His mind, however, was still in LA, at Irina's cell. He kept thinking about their last conversation. The one where she said she still loved him. It couldn't be true, could it? No, he thought. It wasn't possible because she had never loved him in the first place. Or had she?  
  
He pushed his thoughts aside.he shouldn't be thinking her, he should be thinking about his upcoming meeting with the SD-6 contact. He was to take everything he learned right back to the CIA. The information would be helpful in the takedown of SD-6, which Jack was looking more forward to everyday.  
  
As hard as he tried to keep thoughts of Irina at bay, they kept creeping back. He kept going back to her cell, the way she had sounded when she was yelling at him to stay and talk. She had sounded so.he didn't know what. But he had to walk away; he couldn't take listening to her lie to him again and again. Had she really been lying? The way she sounded calling after him.it sounded genuine. But you never really know with her, do you, Jack? he thought. She has lied to you for this long already, what is there to stop her from lying a little bit longer?  
  
Jack sighed, angry with himself for thinking about her again and again. He thought he had known Laura, his wife. But somewhere during their marriage she had become Irina without his knowledge. He remembered that he was supposed to be at a meeting with Barnett and his 'wife' at the moment. Oh well, he thought. I'm not sorry to be missing that.  
  
He could remember every detail about their life together. This was not the time or the place to have a remembering session, but he couldn't seem to stop the memories from flooding into his head. The day they met and talked for hours, their first date, when he proposed to her, their wedding, Sydney's birth. It all came rushing at him without a warning and there was nothing he could do to stop it.  
  
*FLASHBACK*  
  
He sat at the bar of the Bronze, relaxing after a hard day at work. He had just finished his drink when another appeared in front of him. "From the lady at that table," the waiter said, pointing to a table off to Jack's side.  
  
"Thanks," Jack said. He got up and walked to the table. "And what did I do to deserve this?" he asked the woman at the table. He thought she was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen.  
  
"You look like you need it," she answered. "Have a seat. I'm Laura, by the way."  
  
"Jack." He sat and they talked for four hours, until the owner of the restaurant came out and told them they were closing. They left and walked around the city for two hours. He walked her to her door.  
  
"Would you like to have dinner next week?" he asked. He looked like he didn't really want her to answer, afraid of what she would say.  
  
"I would love to."  
  
He seemed relieved. "Okay. How about we meet at the Bronze at 8 on Saturday?"  
  
"Sounds good. I'll see you then. Good night, Jack."  
  
"Good night, Laura."  
  
*END FLASHBACK*  
  
He still thought she was the most gorgeous woman he had ever met. Over the years, he had always compared women he met to her and they never even came close. He leaned back into his seat and took a drink, hoping the alcohol would clear his mind of thoughts of Irina. It hadn't worked so far, but he still had hope. The memory of their first date washed over him as he settled in to think about his upcoming meeting with the contact. Why couldn't he get her out of his head?  
  
*FLASHBACK*  
  
It was a little after 8:30 and she still wasn't there. That was not a good sign. She had probably said yes as a joke. He was about to get his coat and leave when she walked in. She looked even more beautiful than the first time he had seen her, if that was possible. She walked up to him in a rush.  
  
"I am so sorry I'm late, Jack. I got caught up grading papers and lost track of time. Please forgive me?" She had really been on the phone with Cuvee, discussing her upcoming dinner plans, but Jack didn't really need to know that.  
  
"Of course, Laura. Our table is this way." He led her to the table and pulled her chair out for her. He was determined to make a good impression.  
  
They ordered and ate, easily talking through their meal. The house band had just started to play again after taking a break. Jack stood up and offered her his hand. "Would you like to dance?"  
  
"I would love to," she said. She stood up and almost tripped over herself, but Jack was there to catch her and stop her fall. They walked to the dance floor and began to dance. They were perfectly comfortable in one another's arms, like they were made for each other. They danced and continued to talk, oblivious to the other dancing couples around them. After what seemed like an eternity, Jack led her back to the table where they ate dessert.  
  
After dessert, he walked her home. On her doorstep, he asked her out again. Then, he kissed her on the cheek and wished her good night.  
  
*END FLASHBACK*  
  
Jack didn't know why these things kept coming to him, but he knew that he had to find a way to make them stop. He couldn't have his mind on his past with Laura or his future with Irina. Wait a minute, he thought. What future with Irina? He certainly wanted nothing to do with her after all that had happened between them. Yet here he was, on his way to a meeting with an important man and he couldn't stop thinking about her.  
  
He once again tried to push thoughts of Irina out of his head. He picked up a magazine and tried to read, but he just couldn't see what was written on the page. He kept visualizing Irina in her cell, yelling after him to stay and talk. He almost had, too. He had almost turned around and gone to her, almost let her explain herself. He wanted so badly to believe her, but he couldn't bring himself to. Not after what had happened to his heart the last time. He had loved Laura with all his heart and soul and she had betrayed him. "But it wasn't really Laura," he said quietly to himself. No, that was true. It had been Irina. Laura never really existed.  
  
He didn't know if that should make him feel better, but somehow it did. Somehow, knowing that if Laura had really existed, she would have loved him completely made Irina's betrayal easier to handle and understand. He wasn't quite sure why, though. He was trying to think of a reason why that would be when the captain announced they were coming into Paris so everyone should be sure to put their seats belts on, etc.  
  
Jack was still musing on this when the plane landed and he walked into the airport. He got his baggage and went to meet the car that was waiting for him. As he was only in Paris to meet with the contact, he didn't have to go to a hotel. He sat in the back of the car with his eyes closed while the driver drove him to his destination. He was again trying his hardest to get thoughts of Irina and Laura out of his head.  
  
She kept coming back to him, wouldn't leave him alone. On the plane it had been their first meeting, their first date. Now, it was their first night together, their wedding day, the day they saw the first sonogram of their child, her birth.  
  
He could remember everything about the day Sydney was born. Irina had seemed so happy, not at all like this beautiful baby was going to ruin anything. He had held her hand and kissed her tears away. He was with her throughout the delivery, through every step of the way. He had assumed that the tears he saw in her eyes when she held Sydney were tears of joy, but looking back on that day soon after he had found out the truth about Laura, he saw that they could easily have been tears of anguish. Maybe she had been upset because having a baby was not part of her mission. Maybe she had been upset because a baby would only get in the way.  
  
No, he couldn't think like that. He didn't think it was possible for someone, even Irina Derevko, to not feel even a little love for someone she had carried in her womb for nine months. There was no way she could be that cold and hard-hearted.  
  
Before he knew it, Jack was being awoken by the driver. They had arrived at the park where he was to meet his contact. Somewhere between the airport and there he had fallen asleep. He got out of the car after thanking the driver and telling him to wait, that he wouldn't be more than 15 minutes.  
  
He met with the contact, only half paying attention to the conversation. His mind was back in the car, thinking about Irina's tears when Sydney was born. He kept asking himself, "Could they have been real?" Soon, the meeting was over and Jack was back in the car, on the way back to the airport.  
  
Back on the plane, Jack's thoughts turned to the 10 years that Irina and he were married. Was it possible for someone to live a completely fake life for that long? Or maybe Laura wasn't completely fake. Perhaps Laura had just been a little bit of Irina, the nicer part. She had to have been at least a tiny part for Irina to live that life for so long.  
  
Jack was beginning to understand, a little bit anyway. Laura was not some made up persona, she was part of Irina. He had fallen in love with that part of Irina; he was still in love with that part of her. The only thing wrong with that: did she love him before and does she still love him? She said she did and was, but could he trust that?  
  
He spent the rest of his flight pondering this. He was on his way home when his pager beeped. It was Kendall. He turned his car around and headed to CIA headquarters.  
  
  
  
A/N: Sorry about the format of the previous chapters. I don't know what happened. Anyway, I've decided to post the next and last part of this series separately because right now it's 17 chapters and it's not done yet. It's called "Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps" and I should have the first few chapters up soon. 


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